From the journals of Pico V. -- "An Extortion"

I have this friend named Pico V. and he is a very, very close friend of mine. You probably don't know him. He doesn't socialize much, and he doesn't live close by. Actually, I don't know where he lives right now.

He refuses to get a Myspace page. Or a LiveJournal. However he does keep journals. Lots of them. On actual paper, made from trees. He scribbles in them obsessively and assiduously. And then scans them and emails them to me. He emails them to one other person, but I don't know who that is. He has never said, but I suspect they live overseas.

He has given me permission to transcribe some of these journal entries and post them in my own blog. He feels they are works of importance and urgency. He feels that these are things you all need to read.

Pico V. saved my life a long time ago, and I will never forget that. Which is why I will begin posting these sometimes humorous, sometimes disturbing, sometimes cryptic missives.

from the Journals of Pico V.
January 14th, 20--

Today I fell victim to extortion.

This isn't the first time in my life that this has happened, but it is the most harrowing incidence I have hitherto experienced. It was very exciting, and I am proud of how I  handled it.

I will tell you how I handled it.

I logged onto my email and there it was: a threat. A real nasty one, too. The email originated from an address that I did not recognize, but I opened it anyway, because, really, you never know what it could be. I have made some startling discoveries by opening emails from unknown senders. Oh, the tales I could tell…

The email stated, in no uncertain terms, that a certain "individual" was in possession of a video tape. This video tape purportedly featured me in a lewd act of sexuality with a pre-teen girl in Atlantic City. Now, they would have to show me the actual tape before I believe this, as I have never been to Atlantic City. However, THEY seemed convinced.



I was told to use my Paypal account to send them $80,000 dollars, or they would expose this tape to my employers. They would also kill my grandfather. Naturally, I was frightened for my poor grandfather, who has absolutely nothing to do with this. Plus, he has been dead for almost 15 years. Admittedly, I never witnessed his internment, so maybe they knew something I don't.



Usually I am wise enough to smell a scam, but I have a mild sinus infection, and my olfactory abilities are not as keen presently as they usually are. I decided to believe the email. And I began thinking of ways to raise the sum they were demanding. Though I am positive that they could not possibly have a videotape of me with an underage girl, they obviously had a tape of SOMEONE, and if this tape were to be exposed SOMEONE would be in much legal trouble. I harbor no hatred for my fellow man. I don't want to hurt anyone. Perhaps I could stave off possible sundry unpleasantries via my monetary martyrdom.

But I have no money. I worried over this. How could I pay them?

It was a lot of money.

The only way this entire situation could be resolved would be to assume incompetence on their part. It is easy to assume this, as they threatened to kill my dead grandfather.

I then  had an idea; what the Executives call "an inspiration."

A pass-time I regularly enjoy is to play board games with friends. However, since I do not have any actual friends, the games have gone unused, and are stacked in my pantry, where they have remained since the day I bought them seven years ago.

I took down the boxes for both Life and Monopoly. Those were the ones that had money in them.



I emptied both games of all their cash. I even threw in the red promissory notes from the Life box. As a child I always assumed they were money, until my parents explained their true nature. You know, they look like money! So they're red, so what? I thought they could be Canadian or something. I was disappointed that day, when my parents set me straight, as I thought the promissory notes were pretty, and all the other bills were ugly.

Assuming incompetence is also assuming stunted mental growth. I could confuse them as I was likewise confused, safely assuming they hadn't advanced beyond second-grade-level financial knowledge.

The accumulated total of play money was not anywhere near $80,000. It was the best I could do. The closest I could probably get.  The standard edition of Monopoly contains $15,140 in play money.  Besides the promissory notes, Life now comes with a fake credit card. I have no idea what the credit-limit is, but I'm assuming it's nowhere near $65,000. So, just for safety's sake,  I tossed in the deeds for Boardwalk and Park Place, each with four hotels.

It was a scary moment, but presently I am at ease. I believe I did the right thing. I hope this assuages all, and that all is right in the world again.



And I may yet get the last laugh, as they say.

For each of the promissory notes I sent them carry a debt of $20,000 each.